I was debating, um’ing and R’ing do I let you know?. Would you care if I did?, do you even know it’s you I’m asking? And do you no why?. If you did, would it matter? Does your conscious tell you so?. Maybe it’s better buried. Maybe it’s better undug left in its slurry, maybe an undergrowing flower will earth from its forgotten pit, maybe a deathly orchid black and purple from its climb. Would you stand with me? Or stand and watch as I fall deeper and faster into my unknown. Would you COULD you know? Really know. We are a nation of followers a room full of stalkers abridged by likes and loves. It rules our heads more than our hearts. If pride was as proud as I am from my fall a very proud fellow I would be. But you don’t see my gains only the grains that I have sowed. You don’t see my light only the shadows it’s cast, do you laugh? Or grimnce at my shell?. Do you know that I don’t know the following that’s next?. I am a bucket full of questions with a million holes dear Liza. Patch them. Patch them with me. Maybe some of the holes are yours. Most are mine. Some are others, but I deserve a fill, I deserve my patch. I may grow from it what I wish I feel as though my garden has been sown and now needs replenishing, so I wait with baited breath to know if you know and if you are reading this I know you already do….
SHELLY
Fight or flight if N.E.A.D be
I fell upon a hook
It took from me
Not placed back into the crook
I shook to be free,
I did not know I could dive
My fight maybe won
Need I be alive
I ponder if I am done,
I wonder if I am lost
The crook was cold
But I felt I had been tossed
Could I fight I were bold,
My bubble has burst
Nude I face the dome
I will not be crossed
I will return home,
Take from me
What need
I will continue to see
One day I will free.
Bare
This cannot be me
This image I see,
Tormented, distorted
Twisted disproportionated,
I do not recognise this being
This non human I am seeing,
The movements I’m shaking
The time out I am taking
I’m bare to the bone
I’m heavy as stone,
I’m lost again
The sun was out
Now it is rain.
I stroll a while
Whilst being pushed back a mile
But still I will smile,
The petals will fall
But my stem remains tall
This is my voice
This is my call
I stand not alone
I stand with you all.
My upside down
My world seems distant. The walls don’t cave in. Nor do they shrink. They spread out. They become vast yet still feel caged. I am stuck. I hear the mumbles of people I don’t recognise their voices. I do not see there faces. I cannot call for help. My mouth is paralysed. My words are trapped. My limbs are not mine. My muscles are not under my control. Like a face in the darkness I peer through a window in time, I do not recognise the person I see through the condensated steamed up glass. Her body distorted her limbs hands hooked into shapes that I can only imagine hurt. Her eyes look glazed. Her body shakes. They call her name. It’s mine. It belongs to me. But that’s not me I am not that person on the floor. That cannot be me? I bang on the window I scream. I am here I am here I’m trapped in my own upside down they do not see me they do not know I am there. I’m a shadow. Blackened by my curse it’s fingers won’t let me go. I wake I don’t know where I am. My window has gone. Where have I been. Who are you? Do you know me?…. I bet you don’t….
The ramblings of a mad epileptic
I’ve had a few absences today. Nothing as big as my clonic tonics. They are so strange I’m stuck in a daydream I am aware of those around me. I hear their muffled voices but I am not there. I’m not there, I’m sucked into an abyss a vast space a huge room of nothinness my eyes hurt. My head throbs it’s only seconds 30 or more but it seems to me like its been hours. There are no walls, there are no windows just me it’s white.Not bright white but clinical white thankfully there is no smell here, no rank decaying smell that has almost become a daily scent in my life. I know it’s comming it’s like a monster its rearing its ugly head. Not today please my body still aches from your last vist. But if I must face you today if i must give up my body to your tortuous beatings I’m waiting! Just so you know you can knock me down again and again! you have broken my bones made me bleed. But brake my spirt NEVER! 🖕you epilepsy 🖕you….. one day I will stand above you. You may still be there but only in my shadows. It will be you in that vast space. It will be you that’s broke. And me I will be stronger than ever seizure free. WZorking training, gyming, swimming and my art! I will dedicate some to you the darker pieces of course and right next to thst piece will be a fuck off massive huge piece of light! 😄 so take me now whilst you can. It won’t be long. And I will be back in charge.
Those as wise as the old owl.
The wise and the bold
Walk hand in hand,
They can see for miles
Across a crowed land,
They ask no questions
They tell no lies,
They help the weak
And love those who try,
They sleep at day
To rest their thoughtful minds,
No limitless voyage
Is left behind,
They understand When you cannot cope,
They help fill your heart
With honour and hope,
At night they will wake
And seek once more,
To help the needy
And feed the poor,
But sometimes they cannot reach
For reasons unknown,
But maybe one day
Those will find, their own way home.
Bully such a small word such a big impact
Tortured,sheltered and hurt. I hid myself from you for so long. The beatings I’d get. The bruises and cuts they would heal in time. But the scars left behind from your words. The vicious vile sentances that fell from your lips, they would curl and swirl around my head, make me dizzy and nauseated for the years that would follow. You were big to me, a giant of a person. Myself small and frail tiny even. I felt as if I’d get lost in your shadow as you towered above me blocking out any light. It was as if you held me down with your own dark hands ready to drown me in the darkness of your own presence. I brace myself for a hard hit. Cowered down, my knees tucked into my chin. It will be over in a bit I thought to myself as the blows rained down, i can still hear your laugh a deep cackle as each punch or kick collided with my body. Eventually you would of had your fill and walk away muttering some nasty insult about me, it rubbed salt into my wounds, leaving me cold and ashamed. I’d wait until you were out of sight I’d stand up, pain etched into my face, I’m not sure if I can feel tears or blood run from my cheeks. One day I think to myself ONE day your time will come!. “The bigger they are the harder they fall” was the saying my dad would use if only that were true, in my case the bigger they were the harder they would hit! Im older now maybe a little wiser but definitely stronger more strong than you can ever imagine I don’t need my fists to bring you down for my words will do all that they need to do… FEAR you!! No not ever again your shadow will never darken me again my light is way more powerful and those words you would use to humiliate and cut me like a hot knife through butter wouldn’t penetrate anything. Im not hard or big! I hav’nt even grown that much I’m not anything really, but one thing I’m not and would never be is like you a bully…. I didn’t tolerate it then i don’t tolerate it now. Yes you still darken some of my days. even now! 20 years on. But do you make the impact you did? No of course you don’t I’d love to see you now all these years that have past! I want you to look me in the eyes. It will be me that stands tall it will be my shadow that engulfs you and not through fear not like the grip you had me in. But you will driwn in my pitty. And I think that’s the worst punishment people like you can get…. pitty! It’s all your worth at the end of the day. So from me to you once and for always GOODBYE
All because she wants….
Why do you cry little one?
The tears trickle down
Are you hurt? What have you done?
Did you fall?
Scrape your knee?
Don’t sit in the cold hall.
Let mummy comfort you
Curl in my arms
It doesn’t matter what you do.
Have you been naughty?
Tantrums and false tears
I won’t think of you haughty!
Did you not get what you wanted?
Are these tears Real?
Or are they pretend?
You cannot get what you want this way.
My darling little girl.
You will learn this for another day.
You can’t scream and shout
And throw your body
All around and about.
A tough lesson you will learn.
And it’s hard to watch
But time will show you when the time turns
Until then you can cry it out
I will not yell
I will not scream or shout.
After this lesson you will know
That tantrums
Are not the way to go.
The losse’s and gains of friendships
Pain doesn’t have to be a loss of a loved one
That pain wher they have gone to a more wonderful place,
It doesn’t have to mean they have lost a battle to hard to fight
It isn’t some thing that cannot be faced
Cannot be worked through,
Cannot be mended or fixed
It may need some super glue
A a sticky band aid
Maybe a little bandage
It may leave a scar
But things heal
In time
I have time
You have time
We have time
How much we do not know
Things shouldn’t fester
Allowed to bubble and boil away
If things over cook
You have to start from scratch
With fresh ingredients
You can add but you cannot take away
Maybe our dish
Needs sesoning after our dish is done
Nothing is undoable
Words cannot be unsaid I know this.
But they can be replaced
With something more loving.
More understing words that need to be said
For the greatness of our well being
Friendship is something I hold dear
And when I have it
I give my heart and soul.
The unfixable can be fixed
And where there were strong foundations
Bricks of trust can be rebuilt.
Yes it isn’t easy
Yes it is painful
And yes it will be hard
But I like a challenge
That’s worth an effort.
Grudges I do not hold
I have no room in my life for hate
Only love.
My hands are to full of building myself back up
But there is room to rebuild us
There is always room for that.
Friendship is like a fortune cookie
Some times you get bad advice
Sometimes you get good.
But this is what it is
Its not all roses and sticky iced buns
But we need to take the good with the bad
And that’s real friendship,
Hard-core friendship
True friendship.
The good the bad and the ugly
We just need to find away of dealing with the ugly
The destructive
And cover it with light,love and truth.
No more baddness, no more venting
Just reality
Kindness
And a little bit of love
It can be done.
Lego love
You’re my Lego
My brick in my wall,
You help me stand powerful
Even when I felt small,
You build us in colour
When I see black and white,
You are strong when I’m weak
You’re my courage and fight,
You see things different
When I see like I’m blind,
You tell me the truth
You educate my mind,
You’re my stickle brick
We are stuck together,
Like the strongest glue
Forever and ever,
The years they have past
So quick it’s untrue,
But the one that I love
Will always be you.
Images in Words 